What’s Love Got to Do with It? Trisha Davis

Thanks for coming back to join the conversation on relationships!

If you missed part 1 by Joy Eggerichs and part 2 by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs – go check em out!

Today, Trisha Davis rounds up our “He Said/She Said” conversation started yesterday with her hubby Justin. I seriously cannot say enough great things about Trisha and Justin – they have inspired me and encouraged me on more than one occasion – and the way that they have allowed God to come into their lives and redeem their marriage from the inside out is a beautiful reflection of Grace.

Trisha’s radical grace inspires me to be a better wife, a better woman for God, and a wiser follower of Christ.

How they are allowing their story to be used by God to transform other lives is what us being salt and light in a world that so desperately needs it is all about.

I hope Trisha blesses you as much as she has blessed me… without further delay, here is Trisha’s side of the He said/She said talk!

Trisha Davis

Twitter: @trishadavis23
Blog: www.trishdavis.org
Blog with Justin: www.refineus.org

He said/She said

I have had several conversations with women, regardless if they have been married 2 or 20 years, and most question the role sexual intimacy should play in their marriage. We know that men think about sex every 7 seconds, but do we really know why? Women (especially those who grew-up in the church) were taught not to talk about sex or have sex because God said so…end of story. Women hear of men struggling with pornography, lust, masturbation and affairs but most of us are ill equipped to know how to respond and so….

We chalk it up as the “X Factor” in our marriage and that we as women will never fully understand our husband’s sexual desires.

We feel confused and ashamed and don’t know why we hate, resent or avoid sex. Worse yet, we do know why and the haunting memories of a bad sexual relationship in our past are too painful to get over. Because Justin and I were not virgins coming into our marriage we thought we could somehow redeem our relationship if WE didn’t have sex before our wedding. I can honestly say we did refrain, but it didn’t fix or create a healthy road for sexual intimacy in future years.

We were married for 4 months and I got pregnant.

Not only was the area of sex new to me in my relationship with Justin, but being pregnant seemed to complicate things at a whole new level. During the first 10 years of our marriage, I found myself camped in the “I don’t really get you and your sex drive” and/or “you made me mad today so no sex for you.”

The pattern went something like this… Justin would want to have sex… I wouldn’t… sometimes I gave in… most times I didn’t. If the baby was asleep, laundry done and the moon was aligned with Jupiter I would even offer it to him first.

Until the affair, I didn’t understand how God created both Justin and me for sexual intimacy.

I assumed if he was wanting to go there after I spent the day “giving” to kids, laundry, friends and regular life events then he was just plain SELFISH! At some point in our relationship I permanently camped out in this mindset and found that not only did I not understand sex, I didn’t really care to.

After Justin and I separated, not only was I leery of being friends with him, I was petrified of becoming lovers.

I leaned on my old understanding of what I thought sex was while trying deal with the hurt Justin had caused. In the weeks that followed, God totally shattered those old thoughts and gave me a new view of sex. I love the way the Message paraphrases this scripture:

1 Corinthians 7:2-5 (The Message) “Sexual drives are strong, but marriage is strong enough to contain them and provide for a balanced and fulfilling sexual life in a world of sexual disorder. The marriage bed must be a place of mutuality—the husband seeking to satisfy his wife, the wife seeking to satisfy her husband. Marriage is not a place to “stand up for your rights.” Marriage is a decision to serve the other, whether in bed or out.”

I learned that Justin wasn’t being selfish but had a true physical AND spiritual need that God would use to bring us close in a way that only this type of intimacy could. Justin also learned how my need for intimacy came through the expression of his words and his actions.

Grace is freely given but trust is earned!

As Justin slowly earned back my trust and I felt that he was repentant and willing to do whatever it took to grow in this area then, and ONLY then, could this journey move forward. We have learned to be on this journey TOGETHER and fight for it to no longer be the X Factor in our marriage but the catalyst for growth and development as a couple. Not only is Justin my best friend, he is my lover.

Our experience in moving from destruction to restoration has come from understanding and embracing this principle.

Sexual intimacy is God’s gift to us as husband and wife to protect, satisfy and guard our relationship.