Posted by: JennyRain | July 1, 2010

What’s Love Got to Do with It? Justin Davis

Thanks for stopping by the relationship series!

If you missed part 1 by Joy Eggerichs and part 2 by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs – go check em out.

I am super-duper-over-the-top excited about the next two days of posts by Justin and Trisha. This couple is not only wise beyond their years and incredibly inspiring to me, but they are also John’s and my marriage mentors. Online skype marriage mentors (is that not the coolest thing EVER?!?)

eeeeee! {insert excited squeal here}

They get it people. I mean really get it – this thing called relationships – and they share it in a way that is relevant and helpful. Just from reading their blog {insert shameless plug here for RefineUs.org} I have gained wisdom that is helping my marriage every day and just one mentoring session has given me a great deal of hope.

So without further delay… here’s Justin!

He Says/She Says


Twitter: @JustinDavis33
Blog: www.refineus.org

“He Says” by Justin

Intimacy for me (Justin) was just sex.

I was never taught how to develop true intimacy, never realized the spiritual aspect of intimacy and never considered there could be any deeper level of intimacy than having sex. Almost from the beginning of our marriage, I fell into the trap of withholding parts of my heart from Trisha. It wasn’t always sin or struggles that I withheld…it was also fears that I was ashamed of, things I didn’t have figured out, issues that I thought would stress her out, financial struggles I knew would worry her, and dreams that I thought she would never understand.

Each time I chose not to share, I diminished the level of intimacy we were capable of experiencing in our marriage.

I wish we could have a do over in this area, and I could go back in time and share everything with her from the beginning. It would have saved us so much hurt.

When, as a guy, you are bankrupt in intimacy, you think sex is the answer.

So premarital sex, pornography, strip clubs, prostitutes, masturbation, affairs, all carry a false sense of intimacy. Each of these things convinces you that the rush that you will feel, and the pleasure that you will enjoy will bring the satisfaction that you desire…but they never do. In fact, the very opposite is true.

Each of these false expressions of intimacy only leaving you wanting more.

I performed wedding after wedding telling couples that “The two will be united and be one flesh.” But I never considered the spiritual act of sex in our marriage. Because intimacy to me was just sex, I never took time to discover what my wife thought to be intimacy. I never thought what she needed most was all of me; which included my heart, my mind and my soul. What I needed most was all of her; which included her body and her desire to have sex. But because each of us had a jacked up view of intimacy, we were constantly working against each other in this area.

Because this area caused so much tension in our relationship, we basically avoided it.

We would go a week, two weeks sometimes a month without having sex. During that time we would drift relationally, which would feed the cycle that Trisha was in…and our lack of sex would feed my struggle with lust and pornography…which in turn would cause us to lose intimacy.

It was a vicious, destructive cycle.

When we separated, I had a choice to make. I could say the right things to get my wife to take me back, but never confront this intimacy issue and be back in the same place in a matter of time; or I could drag all of the sin and all of the dysfunction and all of the bad habits and all of the unmet expectations out into the open.

There was no guarantee that Trisha would choose me, but if she did, she would be choosing the real me and not a fake version of me.

Because she chose me, and she chose to allow herself to trust me again with her heart, I have made a decision to share my whole heart with my wife. The way that God has grown the intimacy we experience in our marriage is incredible. It isn’t easy to be vulnerable at times, but what we have as a result of intimacy, I wouldn’t trade for anything!

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Responses

  1. Oh.my.dang. that was awesome, Justin!!
    Thanks for being so transparent and for sharing with us today. I’m retweeting this, fb’ing it and whatever else I need to do to get it out there. Can’t wait to here Trish’s thoughts tomorrow.

    Jenny, this was a fabbo idea! ((hugs))

    • Thanks so much Mary! It is a tough subject to talk about but one that the church has been silent too long.

  2. Justin Davis is a top-notch, kick butt kind of guy. This post is simple brilliant.

    He’s absolutely right about the false sense of intimacy and how it can really destroy the marriage. It’s even worse when one spouse or the other would have sex with a “get it over with” attitude that makes it clear they’re only doing it because they feel “obligated.” That’s as bad as viewing porn or masterbating…you’re telling the other you really don’t love them but you’re doing it because you feel you have to do it.

  3. Wow…your openness and honesty is always so amazing. Great post! Being newly single and a newly Christian single, this was great to read and kind of grasp what an intimate relationship should be when it includes God.

    • Morgan…I admire your hunger for God and His truth in your life. We are so blessed to have you at CP and I can’t wait to see how God is going to use your life!

      • God stepping in and leading me to the direction of CP has been one of the best experiences in my life thus far. I can’t believe how large of a void I really had in my heart by not including God.

  4. Great post, very informative. Keep up the good work, Thanks.

  5. Thank you, so much.

  6. I really appreciate your honesty. As women we can usually talk at some point about difficult subjects, but it’s good to hear a mans thoughts & lessons learned, etc. What a great ministry you & Trisha have. And what a testimony of Gods power to restore

    • Thank you so much…I think you will be blessed by Trisha’s post tomorrow.

  7. Jenny,
    Great series and great guest writers. I hope you all are enjoying the summer, and you and John are in my prayers. God Bless
    Jim

  8. […] Trisha Davis rounds up our “He Said/She Said” conversation started yesterday with her hubby Justin. I seriously cannot say enough great things about Trisha and Justin – […]

  9. I’m a day late getting to your post Justin but as always great stuff. You continue to show your heart and your integrity with such beauty and it is inspiring. I am still single but with each blog of your that I read, you are teaching me principles I know will serve me well in the future. Thank you for caring so much about others that you would risk so courageously.

  10. Thank you for this article and all of your blogs. Very real and honest, and good things to chew on for those of us still preparing for marriage and looking for a spouse. God bless you all!

    –Tim
    http://www.timothydeanmills.com


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