Posted by: JennyRain | June 2, 2010

Heart Repair: Anyone got a bandaid?

Do you ever have those times where your heart has replaced its pitter-patter with a kerthud-klump.

That’s me right now. It has been me since I’ve returned back from Burundi. Not sure why.

The last few days have not helped much either.

Something really difficult has happened every day in the last four days. Difficult news. Difficult event. Difficult whatever.

Just general difficulties and I’m spent.

It’s also left me asking some heart questions…

How come sometimes you can have everything you think you want, but there still seems to be something not right?

Something that pokes at your side, presses at your heart, and slams against your spirit relentelessly though you have tried to push it into oblivion. That thorn in your side that feels biblical, but you cannot identify what it’s trying to teach you, get you to see, or pay attention to.

Maybe it has been there all along, but it’s just that it is chaffing so much that I can no longer ignore it.

I am really questioning right now.

Questioning where I am… who I am… who I am wanting to be and become.

Then questioning why in the world I am questioning because FOR THE LOVE every one of my last ten year prayers has been answered!

I do not get it.

I’m wondering why all of my areas of giftings seem to have dried up (well, except writing)…

I’m not leading worship, I’m not training, I’m not teaching, I’m not playing guitar…

Am I being disobedient? Have I somehow stepped out of God’s will for my life?

Is it just me?

But I PRAYED for ten years about where I am now in my life!

I LOVE where I am now. Love my husband. Love my job. Love the people God has surrounded me with. I am an incredibly blessed woman.

Things should be just grooving.

But they are not.

And I did not realize it until I got back from Burundi.

Now I’m back and the hole is there.

That something missing. That something that is causing an echo in my heart when it goes kerthud-klump.

It’s like I am sitting in the middle of a banquet feast… but I’m starving.

Is it me? It has to be, there is nothing inherently wrong with my surroundings or the people that make up my surroundings.

It has to be me.

This week Guatemala City had a sinkhole…

That’s kind of what I feel like right now. A big ole sinkhole. Sigh.

Like something vital has fallen out of my life, but I don’t know what it is, and just putting more dirt on it to cover up the hole no longer works.

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Responses

  1. mmm. yeah. definitely relate to this. praying for you sweet friend.

  2. These moments can be disconcerting but we often emerge with greater clarity–praying this is the case for you today.

  3. Relating to this also, and praying. This, too is something God is in the midst of. Just keep giving it over to HIM. Don’t know what it means. Don’t know what the lesson is, don’t know what to do about it except to say keep walking. I’m dealing with something similar. Kind of. Giving it to God. Again. Praying for you!

  4. and good grief is that a big sink hole. O-M-Gosh!

  5. Hang in, sisterfriend. Sinkholes happen to all of us. I hate to hear that you feel it’s somehow your fault, that it’s the result of disobedience. I can relate powerfully, though. When I go into a depression – I’ve struggled with it on and off for years – my default position is that it’s because I’m doing something wrong. We (and especially women) tend to be really quite unkind to ourselves when we feel off-kilter. Take a moment to offer yourself the kindness you’d offer a friend who was telling you the same thing! Your beautiful loving soul deserves it.

    • I was just thinking about you this morning wondering how you have been doing – thank you so much for your wisdom and for journeying with me in this…

      • That’s funny – I spent some time reading your archives this morning, particularly your story of abuse and recovery, so I was thinking about you too! Abuse, btw, is yet another thing we have in common. It’s been many years, but I still have days every now and then when it kind of deflates me. And it can certainly leave scars WAY below the surface, such that you can sometimes look around and go “I have EVERYTHING I want, so why am I still messed up?” Something to consider in your current funk-out. Love you!

  6. You may not believe it right now however you are in a great place. I am sure you have heard that the darkest hour is just before dawn. I beleive that is where you are. It is akin to a child going through the pains of a growth spurt. You are on the cusp of great change and although you recognize you live a blessed life there is something gnawing at you, some sort of dark cloud hovering near. Fear not you are in a good place and all will soon be revealed. Allow yourself to experience what you are now going through. Try not to beat yourself up for not being able to completely understand what you are feeling. Worry not that you are not on Gods path. You are never separate from God for God is always within you. Allow yourself to be, to flow. Observe without expectation and you will soon find that this feeling will pass and you will have a greater remembrance about yourself. Blessings of love, peace and wisdom to you.

    • I’ve read your first sentence 5 times… your words are so ministering to my soul right now… somewhere in me I know what you are right too… thank you

  7. Not a band-aid, but there is a human chain around the world that is holding you with both hands. You will not and cannot stay in that sinkhole! I like the comparison to a growth spurt. Never really looked at it like that. It’s painful at the time. Those little nudges of doubt. “What am I doing to cause this?” “What am I not doing?” Do not take ownership of those things out of your control. God is so faithful. And ever-present.

    Praying for contentment to fill that hole.

    • “Do not take ownership of those things out of your control.”

      Yes friend… Yes. thank you for that reminder

  8. Oh my sweet friend ((hugs)). This so resonates with my spirit right now. This anonymous season you’re in is the perfect place to have questions answered, soak up Jesus and just rest. I know it feels yuck and I know it sucks, honestly. But one thing I have learned is that there’s something to be learned in the anonymous time.

    When you’ve been pulled back from things that have been your giftings/callings – when you return from somewhere that has kept a piece of your heart – it’s in those times that God will do His best work in you.

    Because He can have ALL of you.

    I’m praying for you. Wish we lived closer together – I’d love to chat with you over a cup of coffee – bust out on guitar/keys and offer up some heart-felt worship to God. Chin up! 😉

    • thank you friend… I would love to bust out a song with you someday. thanks for just being there w/me – that means so much.

  9. Right there with you although I have very few things I’ve prayed for over the last ten years. I wish I had something positive to give you to pick you up but really right now I have nothing left to give you. I’ll pray for you though.

    • Jason – that means a lot – seriously. I know God has you going through a lot of heart changes and growth too, so just the fact that you stopped to encourage through your presence means a lot. Thank you friend

  10. I agree with Mark- I know that’s not how it feels right now but you are in a wonderful phase! I know questioning makes you feel like you have this giant hole in your chest but when this phase will be over, you’ll feel more fulfilled than ever 🙂

    • It is so comforting to hear a couple of y’all say that… I need to start telling myself that… and then start believing it… thank you

  11. Praying for your tender heart, friend. Praying you hear him in the midst of your heart thudding. It’s a bittersweet movement in your heart. So glad you are also feeling blessed by life as well. Your huge heart is already being used in so mamy ways! Can’t wait to comfy chair it with you!

    • me too friend Chai and Friendship… it just doesn’t get any better than that 🙂

  12. Those are hard questions. I have been in a period of not being able to use my gifts for a few years – and I don’t get it. It’s hard.

    But hang in there! God has plans for both of us, and they are most definitely plans to prosper and not to harm!!

    • such a great reminder Mary – thank you 🙂

  13. Dear Jen. We can have everything that we think we want, but it’s only what we’ve been capable of dreaming of. God wants so much more for us. That’s why he puts those big sinkholes in our lives, in the midst of satisfaction that we think we’ve found, he wants so much more for us. I found this to be true and I stake my faith on it – He doesn’t put those questions and that pain in our lives without promising to give us the answer to it. He just wants us to question so that he can show us how much closer he wants to bring us. Keep questioning him, he will answer you. Love you, sweet lady.

    • this comment is SO turning into a future blog. Wow. I can’t tell you how much this resonated with my heart last night.

      thank you. So much friend. So much. love you tons

  14. Jenny
    This speaks right to my heart… I’m in such a tough season right now.
    Asking God to work it out, but it’s hard at the same time.
    In the middle of the banquet feast… starving,
    ~Manda

    • Manda… thank you friend for sharing… please let me know how I can be praying for you friend.

  15. But you are leading worship, you are teaching, you are training. Although that is coming out in your writing and in your daily interactions, you are still doing those things. Sometimes God gives us sinkholes to show us that his ways are not always what we imagined them to be. (Wow, I should talk to myself more!) Love you girl!

    • LOL – I read where you are at too … I SOOOO understand the frustration of the G-boro house market girl. Ugh. Prayin for you!

  16. Are you experiencing a version of “Dark Night of the Soul”? (St. John of the Cross and his Spiritual Director, St. Teresa of Avila are famous for writing about it.)

    Or is the Holy Spirit ushering you into a new chapter or new activity?

    Whatever it is, it sounds very uncomfortable. Praying for peace and discernment for you.

    • ahhhh my friend… therein lies the question… therin is the question… sigh


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