Posted by: JennyRain | April 28, 2010

Little Green Monsters in our Soul

I admit it, I get jealous sometimes.

For the last thirty-nine years, I’ve been in denial about this, but somewhere between my office and the vending machine last week, I finally found the courage to step out of denial.

There is a little-green-eyed monster lurking in my soul.

Most of the time she remains submerged in the darkness.

But her eyes roam the landscape of my days, looking for an opportunity to  make herself known, rouse herself out of the murky water, and start the prowl toward whomever or whatever she has spied as an obstacle in her path.

My little monster is not so little sometimes.  

I am the jealous-green-eyed-monster-in-my-soul.

I lurk and prowl. I fuss and preen.

Comparison draws me out most readily from the outliers of existence.

Typically relational comparison will wake me up from deep slumber.

Or relational-spiritual comparison…

Her husband is so spiritual. He leads her in prayer.
Look at the amazing proposal her fiance planned.
They socialize a lot. They have a lot of really close friends. They are in a small group together.

Sometimes it is occupational comparison…

She has a book published.
He has a blog following of 1500 readers a day.
They are full-time writers and speakers.

Gnawing at my ragged toenails only to sharpen them for the kill five minutes later gets old.

Sometimes it is easier to remain defenseless. Open. Vulnerable.

But I am not as good at this.

My green-eyed monster is an univited guest in my life. I do not like, cannot stand her.

She is unwelcome. She is pushy. Demanding. Sometimes she is loud.

I don’t do “loud.”

My monster always wants more.

More good. More of what others have. My monster is never satisfied with enough.

My monster is insatiable.

Insatiability is the appetite of the damned.

Are we all built with a comparison mechanism in our souls or is it just me?

My monster taunts me into believing I am not enough.

I am not good enough
I am not smart enough
I am not successful enough
My relationship is not enough
I am not enough
God is not enough.

She bites away at my self-esteem and leaves me with the skeleton of my identity.

I want so much to banish my green-eyed-jealous-monster to never-never land where she belongs.

She has no place in my life, but yet she persists in wanting to be a part of it.

I want to be content with who I am and where I am at all the time

I’m happy and content most of the time.

I just want consistent contentment.

I want to be satisfied consistently.

I want to long for the right things… like Jesus, and Heaven, and Grace… instead of being jealous over the wrong things… like fame, or fortune, or happiness, or a perfect marriage, or a perfect house, or the perfect career.

I want to pursue the more my soul in Christ has to offer… more love, more kindness, more hope, more of God strengthening my inner person… instead of pursuing the more the world tempts me with.

I want to put my green-eyed monster to bed and never let her wake up again.

James 5:5-6… do you think Scripture says without reason that the spirit he caused to live in us envies intensely? But He gives us more grace.

Share

Advertisements

Responses

  1. Jenny,
    I know this may sound cliche’, but discovering and admitting a problem is the first step in banishing a problem from your life, through God. I pray every morning and night for strength to battle pride and ego, my worst enemies. God Bless
    Jim

  2. Jenny-

    Thank you for your honesty and transparency. As we say often in recovery “Demons die in the Light” and you “outing” yourself and being open and honest about your inner dialogue tells me you get grace.

    Big time.

    Thanks for the encouragement to stay transparent as well.

    Traylor
    Reflections of a Ragamuffin

  3. I know comparing is where this monster comes to light for me. When I catch myself thinking, ” . . . but she is . . . but he has . . . but they did . . . ” I know I need a heart makeover. Consistent contentment is work. Persevere well!

  4. I never really struggled with jealousy until my younger, more recently married sister-in-law got pregnant. OMG I was so jealous (and obsessed). Those nine months and the weeks that followed were so hard on me. I of course got over it, but it was a nasty side of me.

    I also compare myself with others in like the blog/twitter world. Jason Wert’s post sent me yesterday hit me between the eyes. Envious of online relationships others have. Wanting to reach out more and connect more but afraid because of my introverted self and the fear of being rejected as I have so many times in my life. More content to sit on the sidelines avoiding rejection but jealous of the friendships/connections/tweets between the names and faces that scroll down my TweetDeck.

    • Wow just read all those typos.

      • i didn’t see any typos … oh and me too me too me toooo! i’ll sit on the sidelines with you friend if you want to 🙂 🙂 love you girl 🙂

      • We can just sit and watch SVU (haven’t seen this season at all) & have chocolate ice cream.

  5. ugh. i know that monster. it hangs out with me too.

    i hate it.

    i hate what i allow it to feed me. yet, i still allow it.

    i compare myself a lot to others. not their ‘things’ but them. it doesnt cause me to be angry at them – but angry at me.

    when will i fully realize that God has be on a different path.

    also…when i will i fully take responsibility for not having what i think should have (read…accomplishments) is largely up to me.

    i found myself hidden in all the words written here. wow.

  6. it’s funny how everyone has a bit of green eyed in them..

    the green eyed monster in me still comes out once in a while…though not as often as it used to…

    it’s funny coz it used to come out a LOT… mostly when i saw material things…and not so much with people and their calling and giftings…

    i would get jealous coz for about 7 years of my life…when i saw that God would bless other people… but not answer any of my prayers….it would leave my heart broken and in envy.

    it came to the point where i got so poor that i could never afford to do anything except if other people would help me financially.

    so when i would see people with nice watches…i cringe on the inside of me coz i love watches. diamonds. the finer things. (i grew up in a political family so we had pretty good $)… but it just reminded me that i could not even afford to eat for the next day.

    when i heard that people would go on vacation, it pained me….coz i would love to give that experience with my son but i couldn’t even afford
    to pay for chuck e cheese or a bar of chocolate.

    the green eyed monster in me would come out when i saw families who had their own houses…and my and my son were living on sleepings bags on the floor and living off of people’s couches…

    that season of my life is now over… and though i am still struggling financially as a single mother …me and my son finally have a place to stay that is our own… (i still dont have my own room tho) i have a stable job and God just blessed me with my 4th free car…. things are now more stable than what they used to be.

    when the green eyed monster hits..the Holy Spirit whispers reminds me of the past 7 years of my life where He broke so much of my pride by allowing me to be homeless, jobless, ministry-less, and to a certain degree… worthless in society’s eyes for a LONG time so that my identity had to be so set on Him and not on anything else.

    i think He allowed for that to happen to break me, just like Jacob, so that i may walk with a limp for the rest of my life and never forget that i had nothing to do with anything that was going to happen to my life from that point on. and to also remove the selfishness in me ad the need to want to compare why God chooses to bless others but not me (or vice versa).

    when i remember how painful that limp is…then the green eyed monster leaves and succumbs to the stronger force in me that is GRATEFULNESS. then i remember how extremely blessed i am, that even if things are hard.. i have Him and in Him i am complete…. whether im homeless or i live in a mansion.

    =)

    • love hearing about your journey… i had no idea… wow… it makes your joy over the car SO much more meaningful to me now as I can see how God has brought you through so much. You have a depth of heart and love of God that is so beautiful and I’m so glad I get to journey with you 🙂 thanks so much for sharing!

  7. Woo-ee! I just want to stand up and shout, “Amen, sister!”

    Of course, I’m not really a shout-out-loud kind of girl. But if I were…

    Seriously, I have this SAME green monster, and it’s so hard to keep it at bay. I love the way you’re seeking consistent contentment. That’s a perfect description right there!

  8. We are all the same – we all fall short. Bring the right circumstance together and we’ll all stumble. that’s humanity – that’s why Jesus had to come to fix us. Having green eyed monster thoughts isn’t the problem – it’s welcoming and embracing those thoughts that bring us into “missing the mark status”. I think a lot of you are beating your self up over nothing. You sound like you recognize and hate the green eyed monster – you’re not accepting and nurturing it! When it rears it’s ugly head, you’re repenting (changing the way you think) and that kills the GEM every time! Don’t expect to have zero off base thoughts this side of heaven. As long as you’re wrapped in your mortal body it’s going to happen. When it does – change your thoughts and starve the little suckers!

    • I thought about that… starve it… some days that definitely works 🙂 and true… we will always struggle this side of heaven… great points, thank you for the reminder!

  9. Ohhhh…Jenn dear, you have uncovered my secret, and you probably even weren’t aware. It is something I deal with every day, probably every minute. I am not very successful at beating that green eyed monster down – monster is a very apt description. I have faith that one day God will deliver me I know. I’m not sure I can say thanks for revealing my big secret. But I love you

    • love you too Thel… maybe our green-eyed monsters can have a play date and leave us alone to have lunch one day without them! 🙂

  10. Blogged about this very thing a couple weeks back… all about the GREEN in my own heart.
    Yuck!

  11. This is one of the best posts you’ve written. Well done.

    • Thanks Jason 🙂 “Rawr” – that means “thank you” in little green monster 🙂

  12. ha! almost blogged about the same thing the other day

    I feel the green monster when I am being a people pleaser and I see that the people I am trying to please treat other people better than me….like acknowledging their existence…its sad how we act huh 🙂

    • oh my gosh me TOO! didn’t think about it from a people pleasing angle… hmmm


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Categories

%d bloggers like this: