Posted by: JennyRain | April 15, 2010

Let’s talk about Sex, Baby…

I woke up thinking about sex this morning.

Not that way y’all! C’mon now.

I was thinking about a message, It’s Complicated, that I heard one of our pastors give to the young adults yesterday.

It was good. Really good.

This is an area – whether you are single, married, dating, engaged, whatever – that can be a touchy topic for us all.

I know I struggled for many years as a single knowing where to draw the boundaries.

I had to re-learn what healthy sexuality looked like in a relationship because I had mis-used it for so many years.

Relationships just worked a certain way for me for so many years that I was not really open to changing how I operated in them – even once I became a Christian.

There was biblical knowledge that I KNEW. Then there was how I OPERATED in relationships.

Often the two were worlds apart.

Some part of me knew – psychologically, spiritually, and at times even physically – things were not “working as designed” but I didn’t know how to change it. These sexually-active non-marriage relationships I remained in – often for far too long – depleted, rather than completed me.

My most typical emotion was shame or guilt but I felt an intense bond with this person that I was dating that seemed unbreakable.

I couldn’t understand why it was so hard to get out of these sexually active relationships, even though I knew what God said and in my heart of hearts… wanted to do the right things.

Then I found this…OXYTOCIN.

The Bible says, “Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body.” (1 Cor 6:18)

Why flee? If sins are all “equal” then why the urgent command to flee?

OXYTOCIN (and VASOPRESSIN).

Oxytocin is a love hormone because it helps people bond in relationships, set up appropriate psychological boundaries, and maintain intimate relationships. This love hormone causes people to act differently – though they don’t necessarily feel different. In humans, oxytocin is released during hugging and pleasant physical touch, and plays a part in the human sexual response cycle.  Animal studies, from Witt’s lab and others, have shown that oxytocin can have dramatic effects on behavior. Studies show that oxytocin in females, as well as the closely related vasopressin in males, is key to pair bonding.

Oxytocin may be important for the inhibition of brain regions that are associated with behavioral control.

The equivalent to oxytocin in males is vasopressin. Vasopressin appears to be tied to social bonding in males.

So, when we have sex – inside or outside of marriage – we are creating an intimate bond with another person that can be very difficult to break.

Without the confines of “safe sexuality” – in other words in a committed relationship – we may be setting ourselves up for heartbreak and disappointment when things don’t work out.

Hence, “flee.”

Additionally, there are structural differences in women’s and men’s brains.

This difference is in the limbic system – an area that helps women to bond. Because of our physiology as women, we bond easier, faster, and more comprehensively.

The other structural difference in men and women’s brains is the limbic size, which controls bonding and nesting instincts. Females, on average, have larger deep limbic systems than males. The larger deep limbic system also increases a Venusian’s ability to connect and bond with others.

Here are some more facts on the differences in women’s and men’s brains: 10 Big Differences

Here is another great article: Male vs. Female Brain

If you want to read an entire book on it, I recommend: His Brain, Her Brain: How Divinely Designed Differences Can Strengthen Your Marriage.

So, what does this all mean?

When we have sex with another person, we are bonded to them. Physiologically. Women bond deeper and faster than men because of different brain structures. Yes, men do bond (see studies above), but it occurs differently.

Every time you have sex with someone, you bond yourself to them – intimately. This works “as designed” if it within the confines of marriage, because you are supposed to strengthen and increase the bond in that primary relationship. 

But if you are sexin’ with multiple partners at once – or multiple partners across a lifetime – you are bonding all over the place.

You are literally leaving traces of your body, and your heart, all over the place.

The concept of casual sex? It is an illusion.

It’s an illusion spiritually and emotionally (I can testify to this and the Bible talks about it too). It is an illusion physiologically (science disproves it). So whether you are a theist or a scientist… there are valid, proven reasons to maintain monogamy within the bonds of marriage.  

Otherwise you set yourself up for turmoil and heartbreak if the relationship crashes and burns.

You are committing sin (separating yourself from) against your own self when you do this. Take religion out of it. Regardless of what you have decided to be spiritually… sexin’ around ain’t good for you.

Having walked on both sides of the fence with this issue… sexual immorality and sexual purity inside the bond of marriage… I can tell you, it is a totally different experience for me emotionally and spiritually and physically within the bonds of marriage.

Completely.

Committed sex is worth the wait. It’s also worth taking a step back from if you have already entered into a sexually active, non-married relationship. 

Oh, and by the way… do you know who the MOST sexually satisfied people are? the Church Ladies… “several major research studies show that church ladies (and the men who sleep with them) are among the most sexually satisfied people on the face of the earth.”

Now isn’t that special!

 Therefore honor God with your body…1 Cor 6:20

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Responses

  1. Wow Jenny,
    You are just tackling all the difficult subjects, and I am glad. I like the points you make in this article, and I hope many young people read it and learn from it. Everyone is so eager to be an adult and have all the benefits of adulthood, but then when they see what they have given up, they spend the rest of their lives trying to regain their innocence, kind of a catch 22. God Bless
    Jim

    • Thanks Jim… yes, next week – it’s all fluff subjects on my blog 🙂 no more serious stuff 🙂

  2. Incredible post, Jenny! Thanks for your openness and transparency. The idea that casual sex is an illusion and a total lie is right on!

    The Church, unfortunately, doesn’t talk enough about sex…something totally awesome that God designed. As a result, the Church always seems to be on the defensive when the subject comes up. Our kids are dying for the truth and need to know that it is a good thing with a specific design. The boundaries are not to cramp our style but to protect our hearts.

    Traylor

    • Traylor – totally agree… I wish I had known this decades ago. Hey – btw I love your blog! I am always on the lookout for new blogs… so I’ll definitely be visiting yours again!

      • Thanks Jenny! Come hang out anytime. I’d love to talk to you sometime about doing a guest post for me as well.

        Traylor

    • Traylor – oh my gosh, I would be honored to do one! Gosh, thank you so much for asking 🙂 You just let me know when and what topic and I’m totally in!

  3. Jenny,

    I love your writing!!!! It is so real, so raw and so NOW!

    Keep preaching, sister!

  4. Once again you hit it out of the park. It’s amazing how God designed us. I love that there is scientific proof to back up God’s admonitions. (Of course there is . . . He created it all!) Thanks for the logical and spiritual explanation.

    I’m looking forward to next week and what you consider fluff!

  5. Nothing wrong with thinking about sex when you wake up. ;-D

    While I never had sex before I got married, I wasn’t exactly ummm prudent with my body. I did things even with my now husband I wish I hadn’t. Even though I’m forgiven I have to live with the knowledge that I didn’t save my entire self for my husband.

    In regards to differences with men’s and women’s brains. I have also heard that the reason that women can multi-task easier is because there are connectors between the two halves of the brain. Somewhere along fetal development the connectors in boys disintegrate for some reason. In girls they don’t disintegrate as much allowing multi-tasking to be easier.

  6. OK… so I was trying to realize that you were NOT talking about me in this post, but you were! That was me. All the things I know and want to get out there for everyone to understand, you said it… so I think I’ll be linking to this blog from mine today! 🙂 Goes right along with the one I posted yesterday.

  7. Great post Jenny! As always I appreciate your transparency. You make some really great points in here. Thanks for sharing.

  8. excellent post. as someone who has operated on both sides, there is no comparison with committed sex.


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