Posted by: JennyRain | March 31, 2010

Up Close and Personal

How authentic am I at home?

That was the question that walked me in this morning. Literally.

I tried to walk faster, but the question outran me and met me at the door into work.

Ugh.

The last few weeks I’ve been challenging myself to be more transparent and authentic with my writing.

In sharing my story, I have been intentional about revealing my story in a way that celebrates the journey I have taken honestly – including my thoughts and feelings about that journey.

Knowing my husband frequently reads my posts, periodically over the last couple of weeks I have wondered, “Is John reading this particular part of the story?”

Truthfully, there are some days that I want him to skip over.

There are parts of my story that are just too raw, too real, to take home with me.

I prefer to leave them on the blogosphere.

John and I have talked about everything that has happened, but until the last few weeks, I have not chosen to go into detail.

It’s just not important, or relevant, to our marriage now.

At least it doesn’t seem like it is.

Or maybe that is just how I am rationalizing not talking about it much.

In “real life” I do not talk about my past much. It happened. It’s done. I’ve had ten years of trauma therapy. God and I have done a-lohhht of heart work. I choose not to taint my present with the past. I choose to remain in the joy of the present.

Then why am I talking about my story on my blog and not to my husband?

That is the question that tucked me into bed last night.

This morning’s question was am I being as authentic with my husband as I am on my blog?

I mean – we talked about it once upon a time – a long time ago. But whatever is going on in my heart now about the need to share my story on e-paper – are we talking about that?

I don’t know that I have a definitive answer. Which may mean the answer is “no, I’m not.”

Why am I fearful of transparency in the real world?

I am not always. Well, yes I am. No, I’m not. Yes, I think I am.

If I share on the blogosphere – it does not cost my heart much if I am rejected. It is only “rejection-on-e-paper.”

I can keep e-paper at a distance. I can keep e-people at a distance.

But my husband is real. My marriage is a place where I am invested. All-in. Heart, mind, body, soul.

My husband can hurt me, reject me, wreck me. So can my dear friends.

E-paper-people don’t have as much access to my heart.

Well, until I start meeting them. Like I did this week. Until I start meshing my e-world with my real-world.

So the question that plagues me this morning is, how willing am I to “go there” in my flesh-and-blood relationships?

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Responses

  1. I did this for the longest time. It’s so much easier to just leave it here and go on. Most times you can just delete it if you get tired of it and 99.99% of people would never know it was there. Unfortunately, you need to be real if you really want to heal. I’ll keep you in prayer.

    • thanks Jason… yeah, it is that “into-me-see” cleaving thing that John and I are just starting to fully understand … takes work, and guts…

  2. Ka-Pow – that’s one that really hits home. Authentic living that starts at home and not on the blog. Yup, that’s a good one to remember.

    ~Lisa-Jo

    • ya… my worlds collided when i met Tracee and Alece earlier this week… i was like, ‘how do i relate to y’all out here in the real world?!?’ 🙂 oye… so much to learn, eh?

  3. I’ve been wondering the same things. Thanks for posting!

  4. This is going to be a mighttttyyyyy big boat to carry all the women who struggle with this very issue. I know I do it. I did it yesterday. I had just posted something on my blog, and not long afterwards my best friend asked me how I was and I said “doing fine”, which I wasn’t because I just blogged about what was going on. Like you said it’s easier to do it here than in person.

    • i am soooo guilty of that Tonya! it’s like “its safe out here on the blog” and then a friend pops by and says, “gosh i’m proud of you for taking that risk for sharing on your blog” and you sink down behind your computer so your friend who is standing right in front of you can’t get any closer… sigh

  5. Our lives seem so parrallel…

    I blog because I can not “talk” to my husband… My marriage is very unhealthy… very emotional destructive, and very ugly.

    I am standing for my marriage because of God’s word and GOD has not allowed me to not love my husband. He has an illness that only God can heal.

    Yes, I know about choice and all, but my prayer has always been……..”I will do whatever you want me to do Lord!” I believe He is in control.

    I wrote today about temptation…. I am facing it too now so pray with me.

    Hugs

    Robyn

    • Robyn I will definitely be praying for you… it is so difficult – in one of the most important relationships of our lives – to feel isolated, alone. Even though as Christians we know that God is right by our side… it can still be hard. I will pray for you sister today… my heart is with you in your difficulty. *Hugs*

  6. Sister,
    You have been broken, as have us all who are on the journey. In different ways, yes, but all broken the same. God bless you, I feel where you hurt. I have had a great breakthrough, hard to explain, but here goes. It’s not about us, at all. I tried to please everyone (wife, 4 daughters) for a very long time, and did not share everything with my wife. When I quit trying to please anyone at all, and began daily to please ONLY God, everything else fell into place. All of my realtionships are the best they have ever been-EVER, and I am not even trying to please them, only God. That is the secret to your inner peace, and you are headed in that direction. God bless you and your husband!
    Jim


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