Posted by: JennyRain | March 26, 2010

What if “She”…

…visited my blog.

uninvited.

read my story. my story with ex-him.

what if I did not know that she was lurking and reading?

what if she came back more than once.

would she see some of my story in her life with ex-him now?

is ex-he abusing her? has ex-he cheated yet?

if i knew she was here, would i want her to experience what i did? even though she was part of the cause of me experiencing what i experienced?

no. definitely not.

he has done it before i would tell her. all of it. to the one before me. then to me. now he is married to you.

it has been years since all of this happened.

i have a happily ever after. i wonder if she does.

i am so blessed by so much goodness in my life… i wonder if they are.

i wonder if they care.

have i forgiven them?

i mean really forgiven them. is my heart free of bitterness and hatred or is that ugly rot still seeding my heart?

i wonder if they know that even though it was hard, our stories intersecting set me free from a lot of things.

i am grateful for freedom in my life.

i would want them to know that. even though they hurt me.

i would like to fully forgive. let go. have a day where i do not think about what happened before. have a day that is not clouded by his name pre-empting my sweet husband’s.

just to be set free from the name lurking in my brain. i think that is what i want most.

i would like a day before there was a her and ex-him.

before there was ever an ex-us or a during-us.  

i wish i had listened to God and not let there ever be an us.

it was the wrong us.

then i wouldn’t be wondering if she visited my blog.

uninvited.

psalm 18.30 as for God, His way is perfect.

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Responses

  1. Am so glad you are not “her”. Forgiving is possible, forgetting … not so much. Happy day!

  2. You know, I wondered the same thing when I was reading your story. Forgiveness doesn’t completely erase past scars, just makes them a little less visible as time goes on, I think. Hugs. =)

  3. Wow. Thought provoking.
    You are such a strong woman- to be able to admit that fear, and not write all of this in vicious hope that she WOULD see. To be able to desire their happiness, and to want to forgive…. you’ve portrayed a very admirable aspect of yourself.
    Thank you for reminding us the importance of selflessness, even as a victim.

    • thank you – that is encouraging – i think i want to forgive fully more for me than her or him – lack of forgiveness is such a cloud hanging over our heads… so don’t think i’m too selfless 🙂 its for me too 🙂

  4. Thanks for having the courage to write what so many of us who’ve been in similar situations have thought and wondered about too. Like you, I’m so very blessed to have THE perfect man in my life now. But instead of looking back and wishing for a day before there was a her and ex-him, embrace your past. It’s because of her and ex-him that you’ve become THE perfect wife for your Gumpee now. Peace, love and joy to you my friend. 🙂

    • Ang – such wisdom from you always sweet friend 🙂 love you girl!

  5. You are so very transparent and I love reading your posts! This one hit me because I was the mistress for almost 6 years. And I know for a fact his wife has read my blog, even one post that I mentioned only his first name (which I now have taken out) but she printed my entire blog to keep for whatever reason. I also wonder… does she still read my blog. Does she realize I am no longer the adulteress and destroyer of her marriage with him. Does she realize my heart has changed. Does she know that I feel guilty about the fact that I chose her husband to satisfy my longings and desires, knowing he was hers! What would I do had that happened to me, as it did to you Jenny? I know God has forgiven me and cleansed me. But it still crosses my mind.

    • Tonya – thank you so much for being so authentic. These situations are never easy for any of the parties involved… what i have had to remind myself again and again is “she” could just as easily been “me”… i have a post written, i just haven’t had the courage to post it yet, but most likely will w/in the next few days, and the post is about the thin line of separation (if there is one) between a “me” and a “she” … how easily any of us could cross over that boundary… hope it blesses you. Thank you for sharing too

  6. Tonya – thank you so much for being so authentic. These situations are never easy for any of the parties involved… what i have had to remind myself again and again is “she” could just as easily been “me”… i have a post written, i just haven’t had the courage to post it yet, but most likely will w/in the next few days, and the post is about the thin line of separation (if there is one) between a “me” and a “she” … how easily any of us could cross over that boundary… hope it blesses you. Thank you for sharing too 🙂


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