Posted by: JennyRain | January 23, 2010

Sex and Spirituality: Marriage Lesson #2

Marriage Lesson #2: Husbands, the quality/quantity of your sex life with your wife is in direct proportion to your spiritual practices in the home.

In my post last week Painting the Bathroom Blue, I went from Marriage Lesson #1ย to Marriage Lesson #3, but left out 2.

So here is Marriage Lesson #2 and its a doozy!

Guys, want a better sex life with your wife?

Pursue Christ with abandon. Pick up the bible and read with her. Lead her in prayers. Love God. Love others. Submit to God willingly. Find joy in your relationship with Christ. Get involved with God’s people in God’s community.

Demonstrate the fruits of this robust relationship with God such as …

A desire to be in God’s house with His people

A desire to have a time set apart daily for just you and God (even if this means you have to forego a conversation with your wife because you are talking to God)

A heart to serve others in creative and meaningful ways.

Something I love about John is that he prays at dinner.

Always. It may be a short prayer, but it is still a prayer and when he prays, I feel safe and protected.

Yes, it is sweet and endearing, but it is more.

There is something about watching my husband commune with the Creator of the Universe that is beautiful.

To a woman, a man’s spirituality = safety + security.

In turn, safety + security to a woman = the ability to open herself up emotionally, intellectually, spiritually.

In turn, that spiritual environment you have created results in her opening up physically.

Get where I’m going with this?

My #1 reason for marrying John is that I felt he had a “pure and sincere devotion to Jesus Christ.” I have admired this about him. Everything else in our lives can go away and I could survive it – jobs, money, health, our looks… our teeth ๐Ÿ™‚ But if John’s relationship with Christ goes away, it would not only be the death of our sex life – it would be the death of our relationship.

I will never forget a conversation I had with one of my girlfriends a few years back about the relationship between Sex and Spirituality.

My friend had been the spiritual head of the house for a long time. She is an amazing woman of God and I have watched God do tremendous miracles in her life over the last ten years. She has a belief in God that is unwavering, she is completely sold out to the spiritual development of her household, she has one of the most consistent devotional and prayer lives I’ve ever seen, and as a result, God has worked through her tremendously.

Her husband is wonderful. He is supportive, loving, an all-around great guy. He would join the family at church, but he was not spiritually leading their family.

God got ahold of him a few years back and lit a fire in his relationship with Christ. Out of the blue, he took the lead in their household and began spiritual family practices, he began leading a bible study in their home, and his entire life became polarized around the axis of God’s leadership.

As God led him, their family began to thrive.

As their family began to thrive, my dear friend said this…

“Girl, I have to tell you, seeing my husband fall at the feet of Christ daily – completely surrendered – it has done WONDERS for our sex life! Ten years of struggling in the bedroom together has been revolutionized by seeing him pursue God and embrace leading our family in a Godly way. I just trust him more, you know, because I know he is in daily communion with God, allowing God to lead him. Because I know his heart is being daily influenced by God, I can trust my husband’s heart, and that makes me want to jump him! It’s amazing, who knew!”

Ten years and several kids later – they are still “tearin’ it up” as a couple – if you know what I mean.

As women, we are dying to be led by our men.

Now, this does not mean that we are incapable, incompetent, dependent, or shriveled up weak things that need a man to define us. On the contrary – I believe it takes a very strong woman to be able to admit her need for a man’s leadership in her life.

Not a man’s tyranny. Not a man’s domination or control. A man’s spiritual leadership. There is a difference.

Spiritual leadership says, “I love my wife enough to put God first in our marriage. Before her.”
Control/domination says, “I don’t have time for God.”

Spiritual leadership says, “I will sacrifice for the good of others, but I will also respect my own needs enough to be honest and truthful about them. I will seek God for wisdom and discernment on resolving conflict.”
Control/domination says “I want my way at the expense of you.”

Spiritual leadership says, “I will take the time out of my day to pray for my wife, pray for my family, and seek God on things that I am struggling with. Then I will trust God when I submit my burdens, knowing that God has a good plan for me and my family.”
Control/domination says, “I have to fix all of my issues myself. Prayer is a last resort.”

Spiritual leadership says, “I will encourage myself in the Lord, and in turn be able to encourage others around me.”
Control/domination says, “Nothing ever works out my way. I am destined to the situation I find myself in.”

Spiritual leadership says, “I will pursue health and wholeness in Christ.”
Control/domination says, “You are responsible for making me feel better.”

Spiritual leadership guys – it will revolutionize your home. It is not always easy or the more comfortable way, but it is God’s design for a household.

Only when we women know that you are connected to God can we connect to you physically, emotionally, and spiritually in complete abandon. When you are seeking God intimately, freely, willingly and we see the fruits of peace, joy, faith, love, healing, and strength in your lives… it impacts us in ways that you can not even dream of!

In my church we have ongoing discussions about the concept of “headship,” women in leadership, and spiritual leadership in the home.

This topic used It used to burn me up.ย However, I now find myself – whenever church leaders are discussing this topic – internally saying:

“Yes! Yes! Please guys – listen to this charge! Get up and lead your church! I am dying – as a women – to see Christ’s leadership manifest itself in you! I am tired – as a woman – always being the first to volunteer because a man won’t step up! I am tired – as a woman – being in a lane that isn’t mine to run in. We need you men to be who God has designed you to be. We know we can run corporations. We know we have the competency to do great things in the world. It’s not about whether or not we are capable or competent. It’s so much more than that. God has gifted you with wonderful talents, please step up and use them – we LOVE seeing you step up and lead.”

Is there the possibility that we are all off our rocker and in complete doctrinal la-la land when it comes to women in leadership? Yup, you betcha! But there is more to it than that for me and for many women I have spoken with.

See, sometimes guys, we women just need to be able to lean back and rely on your Godly leadership.

We are tired… down right exhausted.

Guys, we want you to lead as Christ does. We want you in our home to lead as Christ would, we want you to lead in the church as Christ would.

We are tremendously impacted by your leadership – never forget that.

This is not about doctrine. This is not about conservative vs. liberal. It is about a leadership opportunity that we are desperate for you to take. An opportunity that impacts we women intellectually, spiritually, emotionally… and this is the good news for you… it impacts us physically when we are in a committed, covenental relationship with you as our husbands.

So guys, know this because I’ve seen it repeatedly – if you want a good sex life, concentrate FIRST on your relationship with the Lord. Let your wife see you doing that. Pursue Christ with an open and pure heart. Love God with everything you have and everything you are.

Your wife, your sex life, your marriage – will never be the same – I promise.




  1. All I can say is that you have blown me away with this one. It is so true and you have discovered it so early in our marriage. One of the things that makes me love and trust Arlie is his steadfast faith in Jesus. He is the spiritual head of the family and it makes everything fall in line, including our sex life. I remember Karen Keeley saying one time that she had learned that if the wife stays under the umbrella of the husband’s headship, she will be protected – when she goes off on her own, she leaves that protection behind. Good for you girl,you have got it going on.

  2. hey, sorry, I meant you’ve discovered it early in YOUR marriage…

  3. Thanks Thel – we aren’t there yet – this is just the ideal ๐Ÿ™‚ We have the dinner prayer down though ๐Ÿ™‚

  4. jenny…but what about a wife who had that once. a husband who led, but now won’t. is it the “death of our relationship and sex life?”

    yeah. i’ve been in a desert as you can tell. trying to pick up the pieces of what we once had.

    i’d love your comments. i’m not angry. just in great pain…and have been for a while.

    • my husband goes in and out… he is really struggling right now, so it is difficult more days for me than it is a breeze. he is an amazingly good man – those are the things I have to hold on to when spiritually our relationship is not where I want it.

      see this post… it may give you some encouragement too and give you some additional insight on my marriage ๐Ÿ™‚

      for a woman it seems, when a man is not stepping up spiritually, it impacts the whole relationship in profound ways… ugh. I feel like i wasn’t much encouragement…

      please know you are not alone in this… and I am sorry that you are struggling… and you will be in my prayers…

  5. jenny ~

    thanks for responding. i have a story to tell…but way too personal for here. i loved your posts about meeting your husband and i read about the painful first marriage you endured. i’m moved by your stories and your bravery. most recently, i really loved your post about your dad. that took tons of courage to share!

    my heart is too raw to blog at this point, but you can check out my two or three posts at and you’ll get a better picture of what i’m talking about.

    i’ll definitely be following your blog! i love your writing and so appreciate the encouragement it has been to me already!

    • Yay! that is my goal and prayer… that it will serve as an encouragement to others… I’m so glad you stumbled upon it and so glad you will be a “frequent flyer” ๐Ÿ™‚

      Just to give you some hope… Being able to share has taken me almost ten solid years of prayer. I was raw for a lot of years and definitely did not have this perspective on things for a LONG time… but God, right? God has carried me through a LOT of things, including lots o therapy ๐Ÿ™‚ And because of that… ten years later… the writing has started.

      Visited your blog… it sounds like there is a lot of pain there… a dark night of the soul of sorts… i will keep you in my prayers. Please do stay in touch, let me know how you are doing… and how I can pray for you.

      Bless you this day…

  6. yes, but God. i am grateful for your prayers. you have mine, too!

  7. […] a comment » As follows is an excerpt from jennyrain’s WordPress blog. I think these are good distinctions to draw, even for women. […]

  8. Jenny,
    You are right on with your observations and experience. I have seen your view of “spiritual leadership” change and mature. You desire exactly what the Bible teaches and what the Lord desires for you.

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