Posted by: JennyRain | September 22, 2009

Am I doing enough?

Since arriving back in Northern Virginia, I have really been struggling with the question:

Am I faithfully using my God-given gifts to give back?

For the last five years I have been very faithful in giving back using my spiritual gifts. By God’s grace, even though I was in the middle of rural Georgia, God gave me regular opportunities to serve – especially using worship giftings – and I had a blast doing it! I felt like I was in the “zone,” on Sunday mornings, I felt like I had found the “sweet spot.”

So here I am in Northern Virginia – the Speed-Capitol of the world where opportunities to serve abound in both the secular and the sacred. I am a part of a Ginormous church where we have a tri-fold 9×14 bulletin crammed with service opportunities. And yet in the middle of this “land of serving opportunity”  I continued to sit at home Sunday mornings dialed into our internet campus in my pajamas – not giving back in any way.

This began bothering me because I realized that I would only feel compelled to participate regularly in worship if I had a job at church on Sundays. So finally the director of our CAM ministry gave me one! I now am charged with “pushing buttons” in the control booth during all of our services. (This task is also called “timing the service” but I like “pushing buttons” much better.) I feel like I am helping some AND I am having a blast!

Yet something is still missing and I continue to find myself asking:

“Am I doing enough with the gifts I have been given?” and “Am I using the gifts God would have me to use in this season?”

Driving in traffic yesterday I found myself wrestling with this and talking to God saying things like, “God, am I being faithful with the gifts You gave me? I feel like I am not using what You have given me and it is frustrating! What do I do to change it? Am I in a season of preparation and waiting? Am I being disobedient somehow by not stepping forward and asking to serve more?”

My questions were met with silence – I continued to ask anyway.

Finally, I found myself so perplexed that I blurted out…

“I feel so useless! All I’m doing in this season is praying, praying, praying. (and pushing a lot of buttons too 🙂 Pray… Pray… Pray…  That’s it! I’m not doing anything of value and I really want to contribute somehow!”

About that time a large dump truck passed me with a sign on the back that read the following:

Prayer Changes Things.

It stopped me in my tracks. It did not answer my query about what should I do, where should I serve, how to serve, or any of the specifics that I had been praying to God about for the last six months. It simply reminded me that God was there with me in that moment.

I still do not have any answers, I still am struggling with whether or not I am being faithful with my gifts, I am still wrestling with what next steps to take. And I am still praying – a lot – about all of this.

But, I am reminded that prayer DOES change things because in that moment of lifting up our burdens to God, He enters into communion with us and His presence redeems even the most painful of struggles or the most confusing of circumstances.

for a season for a reason

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